31 Disember, 2020

Repost: My life so far. (2019)

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This is something that I have written a while back then in 2019 in my other blog. I'm reposting it here again. It's a bit long, but happy reading. ^^


My Life So Far.

I have always had something at the back of my mind about certain things. Things that I wanted to say, things that I wanted to write, and things that I always wanted to create. To make it worse, I tend to put everything aside and shove all efforts and attempts to the trash, just because I felt tired. Tired with my own life. Tired with all the routines, the unnecessary things, and above all, the procrastination. Not only do this things keep burdening me and keep my mind numb all the time, but my body take a toll from it too. Growing old is not a pretty sight. Walking and climbing up stairs are so much easy to do when I was 21, but when the early 40s hit, things changed. I get tired easily just by walking 100 meters back and forth.

Being old to me is a nuisance. I don't hate it, but sometimes I feel like my actions and my movements are limited to a point where I could no longer do what young people can. That's a fact everybody has to face. I'm saying that being 40 is old (even though it's not that old), but I have to face something that no young people have to face. I have started to feel joint and back pain. My hair has started to fall. My hair line is receding as time goes by. I started to bald each and every day. My energy is not like before, and I have started to feel weak and easily fatigued. Grey hair have started to show. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I could see fine lines under my eyes.

But enough about that. To me, this year, I should make it great. Make it fun. No matter what happened in the past, I should renew every aspect of my life that I lack and make it something worth remembering.

Being positive

Sometimes I try to be positive about my life, but I keep feeling that it won't change anything. My job is still the same. My career won't get any better. The pay still sucks but it pays the bills. My social life is not like 15 or 20 years ago, where all my friends were my lifeline. They would come first before my own family. I laugh to myself when i remember how foolish I was. Things happened; and I cant change that. That's the fact that I have to face.

Being positive is hard. Being true to yourself is even harder. Sometimes I feel like my life is not as good as anyone else. Every time I look at my friend's Instagram feed or Facebook timeline, even if I don't mean to, a horrible feeling of envy gnaws at me inside. Looking at my friends (if I could even call them friends) who went to this nice holiday in Bali or snorkeling at this God-only-knows-which-island, and I keep asking myself, why? Why am I not that person who is having all that great time? Why? It's hard to keep all these feelings inside, and even harder to stop telling lies to myself that I will be having that good time sooner or later, if only I know how to get the money for it.

Being positive is like squeezing a stress ball. You apply pressure to it, and it expands in all direction; when you release, it goes back to the shape it was before. That's how it feels. No matter how hard the pressure, it will always return to its original shape. But it takes a longer time for me to do so, and it's a bit more difficult. Maintaining a positive outlook, sometimes carries with it tears, anger and a mix of other feelings. sometime even heartache.

My life is not that bad. My life is great, in some ways. Maybe Im just feeling like something is missing. Through the eyes of other people, I do have a very nice life; a nice job, basic necessities of life, and every entertainment equipment imaginable at home (even though not very up to date but still considered as enviable). Life is good. But it is not, if there's no one to share it with. Period.

Yes. I'm single. I'm a bachelor in my 40s. My friends who are also the same age as me, have already settled down, have a family of their own with two or three kids. Some of them even have children in secondary school. My God, how time flies. as for me, Im still convincing myself to be positive about it, telling myself that it's okay to be single at this age.

Well, I do feel lonely at times. But to settle down is not my objective at this point in time. Maybe I won't settle down at all. There are still many things that I want to do. And having a family, might mean that I'll be tied down. Raising kids? Never crossed my mind. Or maybe I don't even have a heart for it. Not now, or in 50 year's time (if I ever live that long). If I don't do the things that I want to do now, I may not at all.

Listening to what others talk about me behind my back, and feeling disgusted about it has become a second nature for me. I just let them talk. Because when they get tired, they will shut up. Let them say what ever they want. I always make the best of it, improving myself based on what I've heard and care for nothing else. maybe for a short while it hurts me. Yes, being positive always brings a good fortune. But staying positive may only last for a moment, until it wears off and I feel the negativity creep in. Lets face it: no matter how much you say to yourself "don't listen to what others think about you or talk about you" you will still feel the sting.

The truth is, it is hard to stay positive, but yeah, it's good. It brings the best out of me. It put me back on my track. Stay focus on my objectives. No matter how long I take my time to archive it, staying positive always keep me in check. If I loose track of my objectives, I look back to my lists and wonder which one should I accomplish next?

The hurdles

Things getting a little more hard when I found out that my computer won't work the day I wanted to use it the most. It was not a powerful computer, but it did the job. I was stuck with a laptop which I could not use the track pad. Attaching a mouse was the only solution. I could not do any work done, let alone having some 3D files to be rendered. So I got fed up, shoved the notebook away, and I never turn it on again. As for the entry for blog, it too got postponed. To be honest, I was glad that my computer got busted. I didn't have anything to write at that moment. My mind was blank and up to a point, I was totally dried out. "Back for good" I said for the first entry of the new blog. I was so adamant and determined that it was my comeback like the days I was active writing blogs. It stopped by the fifth entry, the spirit withered, I got back to the routine's loop, and sighed... until now, at least.

Let me take you back to my past. I was diagnosed with lung infection 2 years ago. I was in a brink of death if it wasn't for the best and fast action taken by my doctors to save my life. I had to go on a surgery to clean up my left lung from a harden pus that was sticking outside the lung, preventing it from inflate and deflate. And if things got worse, they had to cut out and throw away the lung, and I had to live with only just one. And I thank them for being able to save it. I was in coma for the next 2 days in CICU. Alhamdulillah, I'm still here, telling you guys stories.

To tell the truth, I was scared. Who wasn't? And it took me 2 months to recover fully and get on with my life. I cried and grateful it wasn't my time.

Having that experience scared the hell out of me. Being in coma for full 2 days was an experience not to be having for a second time. Being in a coma felt like you were living in nothingness. All dark and silent. It was like a long dreamless sleep. And when I woke up, I had no sense of time, disoriented, weak, dizzy, nausea, numb, and all other things that I could not describe. The only thought at that moment was; I'm still alive.

Opening my eyes after coma was not only the greatest feeling, but also it brought me the sense of loneliness. I woke up in the middle of the night, with me the only patient in the CICU ward, and a couple of nurses that were doing their job without realizing that I was already woken up. With no sight of my family; my mom or my dad, my brothers, not even my housemates, or my friends. I was feeling alone. It was a sad feeling. But that was before I realized that CICU was an isolated ward and no other people could be in that room for fear of infections. And it was in the middle of freaking night. Everyone already gone home.

The fact is, our life is short. You may think that living a 100 years is a long time. If you not living your life to the fullest, not living the life that you should have lived, not living the life that you dream of, eventually you will find that your life will end in a blink of and eye.

Having that thought in my mind, I asked myself; have I been living the life that I wanted? Have I done enough? This is my second chance. I have to be better than before. I must change.

But... change is never easy.

Procrastination will always be a hurdle. It stole my time, with me knowing that the little precious time I got slipping away (without doing nothing), or claiming the time of doing certain thing later and then forgot about it. This will always become the hardest thing to change, maybe for me, and for a lot of other people.

I don't understand why I procrastinate? To say that I'm lazy, yeah, maybe that's right. For a long time though, I did something with a heavy heart. Sometimes, I feel like I had to do it, not with passion, but by force, even though it was the only thing that I like. Procrastinating is a bad thing when you want something to be done quickly. When it could be finished in a day, it might take longer than that. Maybe 2 or 3 days. Well, that was what happened to me. Procrastination made me do things in hurry, causing the end results to be horrible.

Ever since I was discharged from hospital, getting better, and carry on with my life, one bad habit stuck with me and I tried to make it normal again since. The long scar on my back caused by the surgery that I went through, left me with something that may be carried through out my whole life. The left side of the back of my chest, where they cut open and took out my lung, cleaning it by pulling and tearing the pus out, and then putting it back together to where it was, causing my front chest to not feel anything. That thought made me feel eerie. Like it was some other person's chest when I touch it. It felt numb. It felt like a plank of wood. I could poke it with my index finger and felt nothing. The doctors said that it was all okay and normal, because they had to cut some veins to make way to my lung.

This caused me to make unnatural long deep breath, as if I tried to feel like it was the same lung that I had before the surgery. Trying to figure out if my lung still deflate and expand like it used to be, or just there doing nothing, unlike the right one where it made my chest go up and down. It made me look like I was gasping for air. Sometimes this habit made the people near me wondering if I was okay or not.

The surgery made me feel like I was incapacitated. I felt like I was not normal, and feeling not normal was not good. Like I lost something important, even though I was not. I could sit for hours doing nothing and thinking about what went wrong, and thus the procrastination. I knew I had something to do, but my mind was telling me that I could do it later.

This new found habit got to stop.

So, I taught myself to do things right away since. Even when I was doing something else at that time; I would stop for a while and do what ever thoughts that came across my mind pronto. I would come back again later and continue what I was doing. This was to prevent myself from forgetting small things. And also to prevent procrastinating. No matter how lazy I was, or how exhausted, I force myself to do it. This should be the habit from now on. Who would have thought, this small act would open up a whole lot other good things. I became more cautious about my surroundings, and probably made my life easier. I finished my work faster, more reliable, quickly with less mistake. Even there was a mistake, I had time to correct and polish it.

The lists

I don't know. It happened for the last 2 or 3 years back. Or perhaps longer than that. I got things planned out... and then I got lazy. I didn't have the dedication nor the spirit. The plans stayed as plans. Flicking through the pages where I wrote "50 things to do before I die", with 30 or so lists that I didn't finished to the 50. I didn't know what to fill in with the rest. I did not feel happy that the list wasn't finished. And so, the time went by, days, weeks, months, years... wondering what to fill up the void to the empty lists.

For months I tried to find something that could break the cycle; wake up, go to work, get back home, thinking about what to eat for dinner, flicking through the channel, or binge watching tv series on the Netflix or MegaBox. The only thought was to rest my body, or perhaps my mind. But it didn't satisfy the thing that always stuck in my head. Progress...

What can I do to better myself? What can I do to give my life meanings again. Sometimes at night, after I turned off the lights, and switched off the tv, laid down on my bed, I tend to think about what have I done on that day. Any progress to my life? Or it stayed stagnant like the days before. Nothing. Just the same old. And I quickly shut my eyes, and imagined what kind of things that I want to do that could change my life, even a little bit. And the day ended with a tear rolling down my temple. And again, my new day started without much differences.

The thoughts of not having drastic changes sometimes scared the hell out of me. And at the same time, a hell lot of changes that too quick for my pace also scares me. Again I asked myself; what do I want? I looked down at my 50 lists. Blank space from 31 to 50.

These last 2 months, I decided to ditch the other 20. So what was wrong with not having another 20 things to do? I thought about it, well, nothing! 30 things already a lot. And among those 30, I knew I would not be able to accomplish all of  it. 50 things were a lot. 30 things also a lot. But 30 were enough. I should focus on this 30 instead of thinking about the other 20 things that I didn't know what I wanted. That should be the focus this time around. So, I wrapped up the list, and I think that should do it. My goals.

So, I look at the list again. From 1 to 30. So much things to do, I thought. Thank God I didn't go through 50. Looking at it made me wonder if I could make it all. But with determination, anything can be done. Right? - I guess.

So much so, the list went from easy, to difficult, and then became easy again. I didn't give much thought when I wrote all that things down. It was all everything that came across my mind at that moment. I want to read. I want to save money. I want to go travel. I want to finish learning the software that I've been dreaming to master. I want this. I want that. Everything that I always desire to do and archive, and the list went on without having a single idea how to do it.

But that's okay. I guess I'll find the way to do it somehow. Nothing is impossible, the impossible only takes a lot more time.

Looking at the list was not easy. It takes time, money, a lot of efforts, and some of it require myself to be humble and getting back to the basic. Be more spiritual by submitting myself to my Creator. Ditching old habits and making a new one; a good one. Be more responsible. Be more proactive. The list has taught me how much I owe to myself. The things that I should had done a long time ago, but only now I realized, it should be done before it was too late.

I made up my mind. The simplest thing to start with was writing. I love to write when I was young. My teacher, the late Arwah Cikgu Razali taught me to write a short story when I was in standard 5. And that first love grew and was brought along to my secondary school years. But that first love was lost as I grew older, and the talent rusted over the years, 20 years to be precise. Maybe now it is time to rekindle my first love. So, I started to write again.

Before the day end, I gave myself an opportunity to write something. I gave 30 minutes to 1 hour to write about what was on my mind. Anything at all. So I kept a notebook with me all the time. And I jotted every little things that came across my head. Sometime I wrote it in English, and sometimes in Bahasa Malaysia. It was not even important what language I use. As long as I write. I got so much things on my mind, it was so many I did not know which one I should start with. At times it was about the birds that chirping beside my window sill that bothered me so much, I had to get up from my bed to make it go away. And for a lot of time that I don't remember for how many, it was about the fantasy of my crush returning the love that I always dream of. Writing the imagination with lines of words on a piece of blank paper was enough. And don't ask.

I write a lot of things these days. From an idea of a novel, a short story, to the simplest thing as an entry of a blog post. Maybe the talent I had a long time ago came back to me again. I wrote it somewhere and the thought of so-called publishing it never occurred in my mind. Maybe just for fun of it, I publish it in my blog where not a single soul ever read it. Without much thought of how right or wrong the grammar was. Just for fun.

The final words

At the time I wrote this, I went over from the beginning, reread it again and again. And I knew there would be so much mistakes I made especially about the grammar, or the way I wrote it. But who cares? As long as I keep on writing. It took me 3 days up until this line. And after that, I wonder what should I write next? It became clear to me that I do have passions for writing. Only that I was so lazy to do it.

To make changes, I must do the little things first. This little things will prepare me to make way for the bigger things. I know now that investing time for a good thing that I love is time well spent. Even though it did not give me anything in return, but the feeling of satisfaction for myself is also good... No, it's great!'

So, my life so far, it's getting better, if I plan it right. What I had, I will keep. And what I keep, I'll make it better. It's not too late for me to make my life the best possible. Maybe my life will be blessed with long life, and I want to look back at it and see how great it was. I lived my life... maybe not to the fullest, but I love it.

Who knows, maybe in the future, somebody will read this and says, "I want that life too".

***

Written by Ijann Hj. Marzuki
6th January, 2019
Partially edited by NL
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Sorry guys! If you're looking for an informative blog, this is not it. This is my turf, my place to say my shit. But thanks for coming anyway! (^__^)

Ijann

Blog ini telah saya tulis semenjak tahun 2007 lagi sehinggalah sekarang. Ada kalanya saya rajin menambah entri dalam blog ini, tapi bila kemalasan melanda, selalunya saya akan berhenti menulis berminggu-minggu lamanya. Kalau bila datang rajin pulak, sehari sehingga 2-3 entry saya but.

Saya tak terikat untuk menggunakan satu bahasa saja dalam blog ini. Kadang-kala saya gunakan Bahasa Malaysia yang rasmi. Kadang-kala jugak, saya gunakan bahasa pasar. Bahasa Inggeris pulak saya gunakan bila datang rajin nak speaking. Little known selain dari dua bahasa ini, sekali-sekala dalam Bahasa Jepun. Asalkan faham sudah!

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